Never mind what the ex-wife will think when she finds out your kids want to call me mom, worry about what she will do! Will it be awkward for the children to have two sets of parents? What happens if this relationship does not work out, and my kids lose another dad? How will that affect my children? All of these thoughts swirled around in my head, as I walked down the aisle for the second time.
The name game is the first dilemma stepfamilies face in their new relationship. What should his kids call me, the new mom? And what should my kids call this other dad? What’s in a name we thought? Our four children were very young and impressionable, and we wanted to make the right decision.
The names we use, say a lot about a person. Feelings of affection, love, anger, and regret all can be expressed by the names we use, and how we say them. People spend hours pondering over the perfect name for their unborn child. Naturally, they want to be sure that their child has the best name, with the most symbolic meaning.
Stepmothers have earned quite a symbolic meaning also. Their reputation goes way back to the beginning of time. If you recall, Snow White was put to sleep by her stepmother. Cinderella had to sneak to the ball. And Hansel and Gretel were left in the forest, by their stepmother, to fend for themselves. Stepmothers have quite a chore to
overcome their reputation. Naturally, the fear of being known as the “wicked stepmother” causes havoc among stepmothers. This reputation often accounts for stepmothers finding it difficult to have their stepchildren call them “step” anything. So what are the alternatives?
According to Emily Visher, Ph.D., the co- founder of Stepfamily Association of America, “Following the children’s lead seems to work best. Children should feel comfortable with the name they call their stepparents. Young children may feel more comfortable calling their stepmother “mom,” and their stepfather “dad.” Older children are apt to feel more comfortable using the stepparent’s first name.”
Children should definitely not be forced into a relationship terminology. This seems to put undue pressure on all parties involved by trying to act as a family unit and may rush the relationship’s natural development. According to Richard A. Gardner in his book, The Parent’s Book About Divorce, sometimes parents try to “provide an appearance of intimacy and closeness for a relationship that may be somewhat deficient.” Despite this belief, a “close relationship is not determined by the name we use,” says Emily Visher. “What somebody calls you does not necessary illustrate caring or not caring,” Emily Visher explains.
Caring and not caring becomes a loyalty issue for children in stepfamily relationships. Loyalty to a child means being faithful to their natural parents. Stepchildren have the burden of feeling disloyal to their absent parent if they even remotely care for their stepparent. By suggesting that children call their stepparents mom and dad only adds to the children’s stress.
The loyalty issue also has to do with the words mom and dad which implies a closeness. By calling stepparents mom and dad, children may feel that they will have to love their stepparents as much as their own parents which defies their law of loyalty. Children in stepfamily relationships have enough to deal with; why give them added stress by trying to manipulate their feelings?
The ex-wife and ex-husband are another reason to tread carefully when deciding on names. Custody battles have emerged over who is calling whom, what. A biological father who is paying a fist-full of child support may make as much noise as an ex-wife who feels threatened by her children’s stepmother. Both carry with them a powerful gale wind capable of instilling guilt and destroying relationships with its unseen force. It may be a lot easier for all involved to go with the name that causes the least number of waves. Protecting the children should be a major concern. Why fight over a name and rock the boat?
But, let’s face it, it is awkward to try to explain the scenario of how you met after the two of you were divorced, and how he happened to have two kids, and you happened to have two kids, and this one is yours together. It just does not come off well when you are trying to make a good first impression. People still look at you with that one twisted eyebrow and you know exactly what they are thinking. “So which one of you was the cause of the divorce?” Sometimes it is just simpler to say, these are the names of our children and sort of drop the entire subject.
Some stepfamilies however, go a step beyond just brushing the subject aside. “Sometimes, despite even obvious differences in appearances of family members, adults in stepfamilies slip into the practice of giving everyone the same surname, hoping to
create an image of togetherness,” according to Joseph Cerquone in You’re a Stepparent, Now What? Although this may be practiced in some neighborhood circles, schools certainly will not easily accept a name change.
School systems require a birth certificate and immunization record when registering for kindergarten. The information on these documents has the child’s birth surname. High schools require a birth certificate, an immunization record, social security number, transcripts, and the previous report card. These documents also contain the child’s birth surname. Any change in name requires legal documentation, which translates into adoption.
Abraham Lincoln was not worried about legal documentation. He spoke affectionately toward his steppmother. Abraham Lincoln was one of the few that attributed his success to his stepmother. He was quoted as saying “All I am, all I ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” He was speaking of Sarah Bush, his beloved stepmother.
Unfortunately, not everyone is familiar with Abraham Lincoln’s stepmother. And not too much good has been said about the many stepparents who willingly devote their time, energy, and money to their stepchildren. More popular are the fairy tales of long ago. And things haven’t changed much for stepmothers over the years since the fairy tales.
The first time I was introduced as a stepmother, I must say, I was very embarrassed. In addition to inheriting the reputation of these past stepmothers, I was now the cause of my husband’s divorce, or so it appeared. Not knowing this man until years after his divorce had no bearing whatsoever; I still felt awkward and embarrassed. I never realized a name would have such a big impact on me.
Well, it turned out, that our first big decision was sort of made for us. Our stepchildren just started calling us by our first name. The neighborhood kids affectionately started calling me, stepmom. And nearly twenty years later, our children refer to us as their parents, which to me, is the highest compliment one can receive. Maybe there is some hope for stepparents after all!
